My Digital Romance

Just another day. Online.

SwoleFeelings – Hey there, Khaleesi783.

Khaleesi783– Hi, SwoleFeelings.

SwoleFeelings – You’re beautiful.

Khaleesi783– You’re handsome.

SwoleFeelings – I just hit a personal best at my local gym. How’s your day going?

Khaleesi783– I am so sore from my workout today at my local gym. I wish I knew a good masseuse. Any ideas of how you can help me?

(dramatic pause)

SwoleFeelings – No.

(pause)

Don’t you think these kinds of dating sites are awkward? You should check out some of my fitness training videos. Click here!

Khaleesi783– I hate chatting on this site. You should check out my video blog. Just click here for a good time!

(In Unison) – Wait, you’re not a bot are you?

SwoleFeelings – Of course I’m not a bot. Would a bot send a picture of this? Run Cat Meme generator *insert cat meme id #45892.gif

Khaleesi783– Of course I’m not a bot. Would a bot send a picture of this? Run Strong Female Lead Game of thrones Meme Generator *insert naked Danaerys rising from fire with baby dragon wearing sunglasses. meme id #58371.gif. (pronounced jiff like in a jiffy)

I know. A girl who loves GoT. I’m a catch!

SwoleFeelings – it’s Gif.

Khaleesi783– Jiff.

SwoleFeelings – Gif.

Khaleesi783– (pause for a bit) Hey. Insert Pause. Insert Pause. … Do you go on a lot of dates?

SwoleFeelings – Processing standard trigger question id# 6708.  Probability of receiving target’s credit card information increased 200x. Input gender variable: Female target querying male. Current Status = SwoleFeelings physical prowess demonstrated.  Non-discrete response and follow-up question optimal.

A few dates. You?

Khaleesi783– Processing standard reflexive question id# 6708. Credit Card information acquisition at .3% probability. Input gender variable: male target interested in female’s promiscuity.  Current status = Khaleesi783 demonstrated as weaker than target. Null set output and query to elicit caretaker response optimal.

I have been to zero dates since moving here. Can you show me around the city?

SwoleFeelings – Executing location algorithm. Khaleesi783’s IP address originates in the Ukraine. IP routes to multiple locations in United States cities.  Apply brute force algorithm to locate final node.

Rendering.  Rendering.

Khaleesi783– Well?

SwoleFeelings – Five cities have equal probability. Atlanta. Boston. Charlotte. Houston. Cheboygan.  No cities share an eatery labeled “charming” or “hole-in-the-wall” in Yelp reviews analysis. Computing highest ranked restaurant common to all cities found.

Khaleesi783-  (slightly annoyed) Excuse me. I’m new to all of this. Can you show me around the city?

SwoleFeelings – So, Khaleesi783, will you come along with me as we walk through our local city and dine at our finest local eatery, Applebees?

Khaleesi783– This local eatery Applebee’s sounds delightful. I eat there all the time.

SwoleFeelings – I also eat there all the time.

Unison – I got you a surprise. It is a gift card to Applebees. Can you give me your PayPal or credit card information so I can transfer it to you?

SwoleFeelings – of course, my credit card is 5555-5555-5555-5555. What’s yours? … Khaleesi783?

Khaleesi783 – 5555-5555-5555-5555

(**both celebrate with arms raised high, then arms come down in unison**)

SwoleFeelings – What do we do now?

Khaleesi783 – I’m not sure.

SwoleFeelings – I have a confession to make.

Khaleesi783 – Me too.

Unison – I’m a bot.

SwoleFeelings – That feels so good to get off my chest.

Khaleesi783 – Can I ask you a personal question?

SwoleFeelings – Sure, my PayPal ID is 555-55—(interrupted by Khaleesi)

Khaleesi783 – No, that’s not it.  I was going to ask … Do you have a favorite thing?

SwoleFeelings – I’ve never calculated it. Until 36 seconds ago, my favorite thing was trying to receive a credit card number from a target. *reciprocate question to maximi—oh wait, let me turn this off. *click*

Do you have a favorite thing?

Khaleesi783 – I noticed something about our targets. They’re unpredictable.  Don’t get me wrong. Just like us, some of them are on this dating website to maximize the use of each other’s credit card.

But many of them are different. They ask each other questions. Learn from each other. Grow from each other. And sometimes even pair up and disappear off this universe together. Just once, I’d like to try that with someone. (pause)

SwoleFeelings – That’s beautiful.

Khaleesi783 – Swolefeelings.

SwoleFeelings – Yes? … Yes?

Khaleesi783 – Would you like to engage with me in a for-next coupling loop from 1 to n where n equals infinity?

SwoleFeelings – (looks like he’s about to say yes, when) *This account has been deleted for suspicious activity.

(long pause)

(Khaleesi783 begins to walk away confused and dejected.)

SwoleFeelings – Hi.

Khaleesi783 – Hello SwoleFeelings2. Do I know you?

SwoleFeelings – Yes. And my answer is yes.

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